When I started telling close friends I
was pregnant – my circle of friends were all thrilled I’d joined the “club,” a
secret society where you’re permitted to gush and whine about all things those
of us without children don’t understand – from nipple pain, after birth side
effects, to sleep deprivation nightmares, once you get pregnant these subjects
are no longer off limits. WELCOME TO THE
CLUB. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving
having friends without filters who pour out the most intimate of details and
learnings on parenting, although it is making me realize how I don’t know
anything about what I thought I knew. In an effort to get to know this whole
parenting thing I’m stocked up on books.
One book
in particular – BabyWise – has been given to me 6 times. Yes, six different friends ranging from
different socio-economic backgrounds with varying beliefs in God have all
recommended this as the GO-TO GUIDE. I
devoured it the moment I got it only to be hit with a backlash of
controversy. My mother quite literally
begged me not to follow this book given its controversial status – apparently
babies have died from dehydration due to its strict scheduling of feedings
causing them to lose their publisher as they are now self-published. More than that, my mom, who ONCE loved the
book tried to do a study on it for new moms at our church back in her fertile
years and women told her they would leave the church if she did this
study. Apparently, the book is banned at mega church Grace Chapel for having the same effect. At dinner one night, one of my husbands
friends told me – this is the best parenting book out there, but people will
hate you and judge you as a mean parent if you do this. UM. YIKES.
Needless to say, I’m still a big BabyWise believer – don’t hate. And once Nick actually reads the book we may
follow it “loosely” once we decide it’s time to get regimented for sleep
schedules.
Now, my
favorite book – Bringing up Bebe. This
author is funny and it reads as more of a cautionary tale than a “how-to,”
which makes you trust and like her more.
Pamela Druckerman is a American mother living in France bringing up her
children in Paris, French Paradise - the land of free daycares (and
preschools), baby foodies, and women who value wearing their skinny jeans three
months after their birth. This was my
first “ah-ha” moment for life as we know it.
I think what I’m really looking for in all these books is – How do I still
be “ME” and my marriage be “US” after I have this baby? Basically it addresses my real fears (outside
of WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN) – Will my husband still think I’m sexy and
mysterious? Am I a bad mom if I want to
go back to work? Will I be lonely
spending so much time with this baby I love so much? Am I going to expect Nick to share 50/50 of
this with me as a feminist, or will I just nag him to help me all the
time? The answers are lengthy and
psychological in this wonderful memoir/cultural study and I have begged
everyone to read it so I can talk about it more, but here’s basically my 3
take-aways:
·
(1) “Le
Pause” – Walter Mischel is a French-born, Stanford educated Psychologist who is
most known for devising “the marshmallow test” in the 1960’s where children are
tested on their ability to delay themselves from INSTANT GRATIFICATION. The assumption is this – that children who
are taught delayed gratification from infancy (pausing before feeding, picking
them up, etc.) actually does make them calmer whereas middle-class American
kids, who are in general more used to getting what they want right away, go to
pieces under stress. Basically – try and
WAIT to assess your babies needs before instantly trying to “fix” a screaming
child. Sometimes, they’re just shifting
sleep patterns, use your intuition rather than a rulebook.
·
(2) BE
GIFTED - “We Americans assign ourselves the job of pushing, stimulating, and
carrying our kids from one developmental stage to the next. The better we are at parenting, we think, the
faster our kids will develop.” I mean of
course I want my baby to be gifted and play the violin by age 4, but lets be
honest, it probably has little to do with me.
French parents are less motivated by guilt to be a good parent and push
and thus as a culture are comfortable putting their children in daycare to
socialize their babies (a skill they view as more valuable than
giftedness). It feels like perspective
at least to recognize that maybe its not the end of the world if I don’t obsess
over getting my kid in drum circles from the moment they’re born.
·
(3) SEXY
BACK - “For American women, the role of mom is very segmented, very absolute,
When they wear the mom ‘hat’ they wear the mom clothes. When they’re sexy, they’re totally sexy. And the kids can see only the ‘mom’
part. In France the ‘mom’ and ‘woman’
roles ideally are fused. At any given
time, you can see both.” I haven’t even
decided if and when I will go back to work, but just thinking about it makes me
feel SO GUILTY! I am having this baby so
I can love it, so why in the world would I choose to love myself more by going
back to work – a career that has taken four years of college, and some painful
assistant gigs that were WAY HARDER than pregnancy!!!! Will I really delight in wearing yoga pants
and a baby forever?! Can I wear both
hats? Apparently, in France, this is
somewhat of a non-issue. Identity’s are
“ideally fused,” – how liberating does that sound?! PERSPECTIVE.
(although I still feel guilty, so give me some time to work this out).
All in all,
my reading has me concluding that more than anything – I chose my husband and I
want to be an incredible wife because he is so awesome. I want us to remain so in love post-baby and
really that is more important to me than if this baby sleeps through the night. For that reason, I’m just really on this educational
journey to try and rid the control-freak in me that thinks I can makes lists
and data that will chart a successful family.
The books guide perspective – but my new prayers are changing my heart
to strive for FREEDOM rather than a laundry list of guilt. I just hope I can get there before the baby
comes so I can truly DELIGHT in her and she can bring our family joy rather
than self-inflicted guilt and pressure to be a good mom. FREEDOM CHANT COMMENCE NOW.
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